Me for the last time


I have made it to my last night in Saint John.

I tried to go to bed at 9:30 because I was tired, but the emotions have taken over. 

So here I am at midnight, in the middle of an empty, echoing living room, saying goodbye to myself as I know it.

It’s weird, because it’s this moment where I know that the person I have been being will definitely change. I will be in a new environment, with a whole new set of experiences behind me, and new people around me. I will become a new me.

This apartment will also become a new home.

It’s strange how things can stay so much the same, and change so much all at the same time.

Saying so many goodbyes has been hard. Some worse than others. It has made me miss Mum so much more. It feels like she should be part of all this. There is a gap in my life. There will be one for the rest of it, I suspect.

Grammie was the worst. She cried and said it wouldn’t be the same without me to come visit once in a while. Nobody wants to be the jerk who makes their grandmother cry. That is me. I am that jerk.

It made me wonder, “Why am I doing this again?” Why am I leaving behind my beautiful home and my beautiful family and my beautiful friends?

Adventure is a vicious siren. Wonder and curiosity and love will pull you in places you never thought you would go. Besides, I told my grandmother it is her own fault. She made me wonder. She made me long for adventure. She told me I should write a book someday, but that only people with difficult, interesting lives write books.

So here I am, trying my best to make my life difficult or interesting or both. I can’t really tell if it’s working yet. But at least it’s keeping me on my toes.