Me for the last time

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I have made it to my last night in Saint John.

I tried to go to bed at 9:30 because I was tired, but the emotions have taken over. 

So here I am at midnight, in the middle of an empty, echoing living room, saying goodbye to myself as I know it.

It’s weird, because it’s this moment where I know that the person I have been being will definitely change. I will be in a new environment, with a whole new set of experiences behind me, and new people around me. I will become a new me.

This apartment will also become a new home.

It’s strange how things can stay so much the same, and change so much all at the same time.

Saying so many goodbyes has been hard. Some worse than others. It has made me miss Mum so much more. It feels like she should be part of all this. There is a gap in my life. There will be one for the rest of it, I suspect.

Grammie was the worst. She cried and said it wouldn’t be the same without me to come visit once in a while. Nobody wants to be the jerk who makes their grandmother cry. That is me. I am that jerk.

It made me wonder, “Why am I doing this again?” Why am I leaving behind my beautiful home and my beautiful family and my beautiful friends?

Adventure is a vicious siren. Wonder and curiosity and love will pull you in places you never thought you would go. Besides, I told my grandmother it is her own fault. She made me wonder. She made me long for adventure. She told me I should write a book someday, but that only people with difficult, interesting lives write books.

So here I am, trying my best to make my life difficult or interesting or both. I can’t really tell if it’s working yet. But at least it’s keeping me on my toes.

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3 thoughts on “Me for the last time

  1. Try and think of it as a big move, for a while. I mean, it doesn’t HAVE to be forever – we continually move in life, even if it’s just forwards and backwards (i.e. from ‘home’ to Japan…which for me became “home’ more than any home I had ever had before. And I just simply wasn’t expecting THAT!). When I feel the way you do I always tell myself, that if I take a path and then realise I don’t like it – it’s fine, I’ll just change it again. I know big life moves are more complex than that – but ultimately nothing can stop you from coming back one day, any day if you really really need/want to, and re-making your life there again if you don’t come to love the next phase of your life. A move, a dramatic life reshuffle – It IS scary, it is full of doubt and hardship in places. It will be majorly so because of the loss of your mum and therefore the value you place on your close, loved and dependables (family, friends, job, your horse buddy and so on). I think you’re right about not having fully dealt with your loss yet. I think there will be aspects that you will be trying to get your head around, slowly, gently, or sometimes not, for quite a while. That would be the case even if you stayed. It’s un-avoidable alas, and I think you should use some time once you’ve moved to find some support systems / people to chat to to help you deal with those things as well as you can when it comes up. But try not to think of moving as a change that will completely and utterly cut you off from what you’ve got / lived in Saint John. It’s just an extension, this move, this change, this new set of experiences that will open up infront of you. The new challenges will, well, challenge you, and help you develop and expand. They won’t make what you have here any less important, but at the same time, what you feel right now will fade a little and you’ll love where you’ve been and you’ll always have a place for it, and it will always be special – and most importantly IT WON’T GO ANYWHERE, though the place and people to will move onwards and you won’t be in the vicinity…..but it will be ok. You will be OK. More than OK, things will flow and build and develop and you will blossom even more so. And then you’ll be able to go back to Saint John and love your ‘home’ there, and love your ‘home’ elsewhere too. Big hugs to you both, and I’m always here if you need me. From another Big Mover xxxxxxxx

  2. And the emotions will wash over you like waves, as long as you have that anchor of knowledge deep down, you’ll bob about a bit but be fine – which makes me feel better 🙂 Your post ust brought back all those memories of feeling similar things and it made me want to reassure you, even though you probably don’t need it. Be cool to have you down here at the bottom of the earth near us!

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