In exactly one week from today, I will be facing my last day of work.
As much as I’m looking forward to being FREE and not being a slave to the ole’ 9-5, I know I am going to miss that place like crazy. My mum once told me that when you’re used to being super busy, and then all of a sudden you’re not, it’s sort of like going along at full-clip and then crashing headfirst into a brick wall. You think that suddenly having nothing to do is going to be awesome, but it turns out to be extremely frustrating.
Then again, I am still going to have plenty to do.
For instance, clear out this friggen apartment.
People keep asking me “Are you starting to get things cleaned out yet?” To which I smile and say “No, not quite yet,” while internally I am screaming “shitshitshitshitshiiittttt!”
And I keep having moments where I get almost a sense of vertigo. Like, leaving the continent vertigo. Is that a thing? I will find myself going “What am I doing? Why in the hell did I ever decide to move to Australia? I like it here.” I do, too. I like the people, I like the routine I have (most of the time) and I LOVE my riding barn and my group of friends and my coworkers and I could go on and on…
Other times, I get super pumped about The Move. I might as well capitalize that, because it is capital-letters big and that shit looms. I will find myself thinking, Man, this is going to be an awesome adventure…maybe I could even write a book about it someday! This is how cool I am now. I am doing stuff that I could actually potentially write a book about. You only live once and I am LIVING IT UP. I am going to see so much cool and weird shit.
And then suddenly I start thinking about how weird it will be to be surrounded by all those weird, unfamiliar things all the time and how I’ll have to start all over with friends and how there might be terrifying creepy-crawlies over there that I’m not used to dealing with and what if I don’t find a good place to ride and WHY IN THE FRIG AM I MOVING TO AUSTRALIA AGAIN?!?!
It’s basically an endless feedback loop, you see.
Occasionally, (usually after a good riding lesson), I feel very zen about the whole thing and I feel I can just go with the flow, and it will all be what it will be and there isn’t a worry in the world.
That one is far more rare, though.
On top of that, I am still coming to terms with having lost mum. I have been in such a whirlwind of busy-ness, that I’m not entirely sure I have fully accepted this new reality, of her being gone forever. It’s only been five months, but it feels like ages ago. I mean, it’s in the back of my mind, but it feels like it happened to someone else, like those memories are from watching a movie a really long time ago, not from real-life. I’m afraid that somewhere down the line, when the busy-ness settles down, that it’s all going to come crashing down on my like a freight-train falling from the sky.
What will I do if I get to Australia, and I don’t have a job yet which, although I’ve been looking forward to that, results in my being forced to reconcile with things I am not dealing with now? Or have I dealt with them already? There isn’t any way to know. All I can do is keep on trekking, rolling with the punches, and trying to make it good.
PS We were hit by hurricane Arthur. It blew down fully grown trees, but for some left their deck chairs sitting peacefully on their porches. It was a lot of strong wind blowing in all kinds of different direction at random times and places…sort of like my emotional state.
PPS: My kitty got a new harness. This is her trying it on for the first time. As you can see, she absolutely loves it.